Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
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“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree