I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
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Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.