umm…
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If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.