5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
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boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Overindulged this afternoon.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on