Huge, if true.
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Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
I’m too immature for adultery.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.