This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
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I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious