Did my cat write this
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Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent