[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
You Might Also Like
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Cardio Made Easy
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Pretty much. 🤣
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.