Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
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date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not