“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
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I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
doing some research
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
ouch
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Worth the read.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”