White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
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US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job