I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
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If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.