[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
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[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
blocked.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????