As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
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When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
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Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄