Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
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My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Me if I was a dog
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days