I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
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Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Money is the root of all wealth
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.