Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
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Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm