Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
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Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
So, can we agree on 4 or
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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