i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
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dream blunt rotation
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Finally!
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
And bowling should be called pinball
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.