DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
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Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
That’s incredible! 👌
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.