If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
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Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
peep davidson
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!