The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
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Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.