So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
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ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-