“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
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Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Acronyms got me like WTF?
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize