COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
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Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Body by sandwich.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?