I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
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My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.