~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
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Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Worst bar ever.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL