Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
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Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Not helping
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
ACED my prostate exam!
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
*aggressively waits in line*
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.