[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
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“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond