Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
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Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.