why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
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My apartment is a mess, I should move
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed