Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
You Might Also Like
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Don’t we all.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.