forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
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“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it