Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
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No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.