Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
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Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Am I having a stroke?
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch