Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
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My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
tourist season
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.