Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
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Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?