“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
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so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.