Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
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me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend