Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
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I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!