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“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!