My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
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Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
It’s a gift
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical