It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
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*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that