Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
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A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*