My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
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….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough