Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
You Might Also Like
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.