Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
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[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
My what?
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*