*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
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I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.