Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
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I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
HR said no more nunchucks.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.