I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
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Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Word!
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that